Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Well alrighty then...

Today was better. Didn't eat myself into a state of unconsiousness so at least there's that. Processing resentments seems to be next on the roster. But doing all this recovery from eating disorder seems more difficult than it would be if I were not required to fulfill all these obligations ... Work... Driving... (Lots per day) etc and so forth. Rehab seems the most successful idea. But it's not gonna happen I don't think. Sigh. Can't wait to be over this shit. 

Tuesday, March 3, 2015


My mind fucking hates me. 
I mean holy shitballs... What HAPPENED to me?

That is all 

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Friday, January 24, 2014


Written jan 2014
God, i can't believe i haven't written anything since 2011. is it shame? guilt? morbid reflection? fear of being exposed? Perhaps all of the above.

Life has changed so much for me. I've left my former life... husband, job, car, etc. to embrace a new life. One i find more fulfilling and embracing of who i am. I haven't quite relaxed into it yet. I still suffer from self loathing, hatred, and disgust, but soon i imagine i'll be comfortable in my own skin.

Until then, I am trying to find new ways to express my soul and shape my life, my person, into someone i love, respect, and am comfortable with. That's all I can say for now. The pain is still so fresh... the fear of breaking free and from the guilt i feel.. the pain of what i fear may be total selfishness on my part... why should i be happy when others suffer from my happiness? why should I deserve that? i know in my soul i do, but as a mother, as once a wife, i wonder, have i abandoned post? have i left men behind in the battle? Morbid guilt. Survivors guilt. The musings of my mind memories of cold stares and stale relations. the classic case of the death grip an abuser has on his victim. it is her fault, he says.. she is not worth the life wasted on her if not to serve the abuser...

moving forward, i hope to break from this imprinting... permanently.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Jeepers Wally

Well shit people.. it's been a LONG long year. I'm really glad I've made it to where I am because you wouldn't believe the shit I've caused in my life over the past nine months. I'm really glad it all happened because here I am today, with clarity, and a new vision. Unbelievable though, left to our own devices, the kind of food fight we'll have in the lunch room. And now for the clean up....

The last post, I see I was still binge eating. And starting tomorrow.. I wrote.. well it was actually two months later to the day that I finally started doing something differently. I supplied a little willingness, and then God supplied the power. If you aren't fortunate enough to have a relationship with a higher power, I'm sorry for you. I mean that. Get one asap.. I think it's great when we get ourselves in the kind of trouble that brings us so far to our knees we have only to pray. THAT'S where the real power comes from.. those really dark corners in our lives.. the trenches we fear we'll never be lifted from. I've been to places in my mind where only suicide seemed an option. Not because I had the desire to kill myself, but because it seemed that unlikely to find a solution. But lo and behold.. when I was desperate enough.. scared enough.. terrified enough.. I became willing to try almost anything.. including some stuff I hadn't been willing to try before.. like some Christian scripture, going to church.. (although that isn't exclusively what I believe) I'm getting open minded.. I think it's strange how the 'tolerant' people of the world, the branch offs of the standard eventually become so intolerant themselves. I know. I was one of them, until I needed something to get me out of my hell.. and oddly.. I needed rules, plain and simple. a direction.. not gray, not murky, not vague, but definite. dogmatic even.. NOT middle of the road. I think the gray is for people much different than me. I take gray and I play with it until I'm living in an episode of Alice in Wonderland and nobody knows anymore WHAT the hell is up or down.

But all that's changed now. Thank you GOD. I love my life again for the first time in YEARS.

I have a friend who said in a meeting once that when nobody had to change anymore and nobody owed him an amends anymore, he knew he was in a good place spiritually. That's how I feel today. I see that it was always about me and my adjustment (or maladjustment to life) over the past couple of years, that has led me to this new realization. Another friend says that God will use your defects for his good. .. to bring you to a place where you have to rely on Him. I consider it an honor right now to have been brought to this place of love and humility so that I could know what I know now about what is good and not good because doing what isn't has SUCKED. I couldn't find happiness ANYWHERE, and then BAM.. there You were, when I started doing things differently.. I started taking Zoloft for anxiety, started working steps in both programs again, and started listening to that voice that would tell me what to say.. what not to say.. what to do.. how..

Thank you God for bringing me up out of that so that I could be of use to my family. Of use to You. And a testimony of Your love to others. 

Yes folks, things CAN change. Don't give up yet. Whatever it is. There IS a way through it.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Let this be the last time...

Man this has been a shitty few months. I started binge eating again. I don't think I realized how bad I was before I got abstinent from food until I'd quit for 18 months and then started doing it again. Dear Lord. I can throw back 3-4 thousand calories at a time. Soooo bad for you.

 So starting tomorrow, I have to resume my previous food plan. It's a good one. It works. What doesn't work is my mind, and I have to get back into my treatment plan so that I can get back abstinent.

I'm really super grateful though, because I didn't get back to 190 (150, but that's bad enough since I was 130 before). And I'm also grateful that I have a few people that aren't letting me go. They aren't running away or ignoring me. They're listening every time I tell them I'm sick of behaving like an addict and they're telling me every time exactly how to stop doing it.

So here I go... I'm leaving this blog and going to do some work so that I won't keep doing this to myself.

(and I'm sooo ready to stop thinking about food.)

Like I said in the header.. The Real Me.. (whether you like it or not.) I know.. it's not glamorous. :)

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Disaster Central

I usually don't write until things are pretty bad, or pretty good. Right now it's the first. Rough rough rough. 

-wrote this in 2010... Nothing much has changed. Sigh