Friday, January 24, 2014


Written jan 2014
God, i can't believe i haven't written anything since 2011. is it shame? guilt? morbid reflection? fear of being exposed? Perhaps all of the above.

Life has changed so much for me. I've left my former life... husband, job, car, etc. to embrace a new life. One i find more fulfilling and embracing of who i am. I haven't quite relaxed into it yet. I still suffer from self loathing, hatred, and disgust, but soon i imagine i'll be comfortable in my own skin.

Until then, I am trying to find new ways to express my soul and shape my life, my person, into someone i love, respect, and am comfortable with. That's all I can say for now. The pain is still so fresh... the fear of breaking free and from the guilt i feel.. the pain of what i fear may be total selfishness on my part... why should i be happy when others suffer from my happiness? why should I deserve that? i know in my soul i do, but as a mother, as once a wife, i wonder, have i abandoned post? have i left men behind in the battle? Morbid guilt. Survivors guilt. The musings of my mind memories of cold stares and stale relations. the classic case of the death grip an abuser has on his victim. it is her fault, he says.. she is not worth the life wasted on her if not to serve the abuser...

moving forward, i hope to break from this imprinting... permanently.